There are twenty four ribs
that supposedly protect
your heart from damage,
but I swear you know
the precise location of
each 4 cm gap, know
how to nick the arteries
and slip into my circulation,
virtually undetected until
the x-rays show you
lighting up my body
like a christmas tree.
One day you’re going to meet someone who will finally ignite the coals that have been resting on ice inside of you. One day you’re going to forget about me all together, and your mother will no longer ask how I am doing. You’ll have quit smoking years ago, and I’ll still be hooked, just like I was when you first taught me how to inhale.
I. There will be a time when he leaves, a time where he breaks your heart. When he walks out the door he will take a piece of you with him, a piece you think you will never get back. Your heart will drop to the floor and shatter, just as the syllables of your name when he says it for the last time. The taste in your mouth will be a mix of tears, and blood from biting your tongue too hard and trying to act like you’re fine. When all you really wanted to do was scream and beg him to stay.
II. You will watch him leave and it will feel like his hands are clenched around your throat. Maybe that’s why you can’t breathe, because he still has a hold on you. That night you won’t get any sleep, and you’ll stare at the phone waiting for a text, call, something. You’re waiting for something that will never come, close your tired eyes, go to sleep.
III. In the morning you’ll wake up, and it will hit you like a thousand pound brick has been thrown at your chest, he’s not yours. The first day is the hardest, realizing how lonely you actually are, you can’t even remember what you did before him. So you will drown yourself in your tears, topped with sad music, empty memories, and thoughts of dying. You just don’t know yet, darling, that it’s not the end of the world.
IV. It’s been a week since he left, you haven’t touched your makeup bag, you haven’t even done anything to your hair besides pull it up. I mean, there’s no point anymore right? Your mama tells you it’s his loss, but you scowl at her and run into your room. You need to be alone, you want to be alone, you are alone.
V. A month and three days, you’ve counted all the minutes without him. You feel so pathetic as you turn on that song you’ve been listening to over and over again, because it’s the only thing that gets how you feel. You’ll search his name on facebook, and he’s the first result to come up after only typing one letter. You see his smiling face in pictures, you will almost hear the excitement in his voice, like how he was when he talked to you. You’ll be on the verge of another breakdown, so you close the laptop and fling your head into the pillow. You’ll be okay.
VI. One day you’ll find yourself sitting in a coffee shop, at the library, at the lunch table, laying on your bedroom floor. His name will come across your mind, and for a moment it will kill like a bullet in the back. It will be a bitter taste in your mouth, and burn your throat all the way down as you try to swallow it back. You’ll wonder how he’s doing, you’ll wonder where he is, a tear will run down your cheek. You wipe it away and try to smile, at least he loved you for a little while.
VII. There will come a time, maybe six months from now, a year, two years, where someone can bring him up in a conversation and you won’t flinch any longer. Because you know, this heartbreak made you stronger.